I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
