Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
