PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
