cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
