Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
