I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he was CRYING into my vagina
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
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I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
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I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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