Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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