why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
