walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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