Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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