I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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