I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
