he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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