I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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