the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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