I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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