I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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