his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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