Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
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