the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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