His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
