Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
