Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
