i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
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He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
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Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever