11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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