I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
