mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She's the barista slut.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
