Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
