Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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