I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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