A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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