Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
