i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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