you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
