when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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