I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
