I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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