I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
