there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
