I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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