He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I didn't notice because vodka
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
