I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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