She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
