How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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