I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
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It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
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Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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