I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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