Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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