new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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