If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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