If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
