I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
