I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
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She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
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Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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