Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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