I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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