I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
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Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
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I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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