Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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