hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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