For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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